We often talk about love as if it were an experience that everyone experiences in the same way. However, believing there’s only one way to love fails to consider how diverse personal feelings and relationships (romantic, friendship, family, etc.) can be.
The truth is that there are several love languages, ways of connecting emotionally with someone that adapt to different personality types and ways of living life.
What are the 5 love languages?
A friend tells you she’s ending her relationship because her partner “doesn’t treat her properly.” This is the friend of yours whose partner keeps taking her on trips despite making little money. You’re jealous of the photos she posts on Facebook, because you love to travel; you and your boyfriend haven’t even been yet.
Your friend, however, is dying of envy of your relationship, since your boyfriend is a hopeless romantic, and according to you, “a clingy-guy who talks a lot but does little.” You assume he won’t love you that much. This is an example of how romantic relationships have many facets and ways of being interpreted.
Often, in our private lives, we discuss the various problems we experience as a couple . Some problems are more noticeable (such as arguments over decision-making, unshared personal quirks, etc.) than others, which go more unnoticed. And considering that strengthening emotional bonds and resolving conflicts requires understanding the origin of these disagreements or apparent incompatibility, it’s important to understand the different ways in which difficulties expressing love can arise in everyday life, as well as the ways in which problems resolving conflicts together can emerge in a relationship.
In this way, knowing the different love languages can help us recognize the minor relationship crises we may experience in a relationship or marriage, those subtle problems that we sometimes overlook for quite some time.
According to Chapman (2009), there are five love languages . These are distinct modal preferences for showing and receiving love, styles in which we most prefer this exchange of affection and love. These can be very important for substantially improving relationships, not only within a couple, but also among friends, colleagues, or family. Chapman emphasizes that each person tends to express their love and prefers to receive it in specific ways.
It’s interesting to know the different types of love that exist, but you should know that in addition to this, we must consider the way these different forms of love are expressed and perceived , which is something else entirely; this is the topic we’ll explore here. Below, we explain the five modalities or languages of love:
1. Words
We express affection by verbalizing words of encouragement, support, affection, congratulations, praise, kindness, or humility toward another. This is one of the love languages in which conventional communication skills are key .
These are words that are sometimes spoken without thinking and have a very positive effect on the other person, increasing their self-esteem, confidence, and well-being. “Almost all of us remember fleeting words that (…) marked our lives.”
It’s recommended to use direct, simple, and powerful phrases: “I love you so much, I really do”; “I love it when you explain things so well.” But above all, it’s important that it be believable to the person receiving it, and for that, it’s essential that the person transmitting it truly means it ( body language , appropriate context).
However, we must always remember that words are, ultimately, symbolic elements . Therefore, it is important that the expression of love not be limited solely to the verbal realm; we must also express love through deeds, the objective actions we take when interacting with people and our environment, as we will see.
2. Quality time
We live in a fast-paced society that, along with the false needs created by the market (having the best car, trip, house, etc.), makes us forget what quality time really means .
Sharing quality time isn’t so much the act itself (a good dinner at an expensive restaurant), but rather the enjoyment of it with our loved ones; listening and being heard, without rushing or other distractions. There’s no other goal for the person than sharing that time with the person they love. Ultimately, a romantic relationship in which we don’t have shared moments to open up and feel comfortable with someone exists only virtually , and never fully materializes.
3. Gifts
The meaning of gifts seems to have lost value in a consumerist society: “The more and more expensive the gifts, the better,” we are told, regardless of their necessity or usefulness. But many of you will agree that there are gifts that express great love and affection, whether they are handmade by the person themselves or purchased through effort.
For some people, this type of gift symbolizes a beautiful expression of love; the person giving the gift has put a lot of effort and thought into it. On the other hand, those who are working on making or obtaining the gift enjoy it from the moment they have the idea until after they have given it to the other person, expecting nothing more than their smile .
4. Acts of service
Trying to please others by serving them or doing favors for them is gratifying to them. Cooking, cleaning, fixing things, taking care of heavy tasks, or traveling to distant places are all actions they perform meticulously and with a smile on their face, without expecting you to return the favor or an immediate commensurate response. “It’s not a necessity or an obligation, but something done generously to help others.”
5. Physical contact
It’s the simplest and most direct form of communication. Hugging, kissing, caressing, touching, and having sex are all ways of transmitting and receiving love from your partner. Furthermore, the experience of skin-to-skin contact triggers changes in the way our bodies secrete hormones, even if we’re not aware of it: we begin to produce hormones linked to feelings of satisfaction, relaxation, and trust in the other person.
For some people, physical touch is their primary language; they feel security and happiness through it; and without it, they don’t feel loved. “It can make or break a relationship. It can communicate hate or love.”
How to express love?
It’s common for couples to come to a consultation verbally complaining that they haven’t received any expressions of love from each other (Punset, 2010). Knowing, identifying, and sharing the different ways of loving is a great help; it provides a boost to communication as a couple.
Obviously, there are multiple strategies and tasks to improve relationships, as the field of Couples Therapy is very broad. The 5 love languages are one of them. Once visualized, they may seem obvious, but if we think about it for a moment, we rarely tell the other person which one we prefer. No one is a fortune teller, and ignoring the fact that the other person knows is a very common mistake among couples.
Each person has preferences for expressing one or more types of language, which may or may not coincide with their preferred reception preferences. If we are not shown love through our preferred language, we may not feel loved (Punset, 2010). So, to give these concepts a useful use, I suggest you meditate on them and discuss them with your partner, friends, colleagues, or family (as it can also be a useful tool for those close to us):
1. Know the 5 love languages
It’s important to understand the implications of the different ways we express love in our most meaningful personal relationships: Physical Touch; Quality Time; Gifts; Acts of Service; and Words (explained above).
2. Identify them in ourselves
What is my preferred way of receiving love? And what is my preferred or usual way of expressing affection? It may be difficult to answer these questions, as well as to identify just one (it could be two). To do this, we must remember the intensity and duration of the emotion we feel when receiving different displays of affection, and the ease or frequency with which we perform these.
3. Share them
Once you’ve identified these, it will be helpful when you present them to your partner ; if they have any questions, you can address them at the moment (the more specific the better; remember not to take anything for granted); and for the other party to also explain their preferences to you.
4. Put them into practice
This section seems easy, but it can go wrong. So you have to be patient. Each person develops in a different context and becomes accustomed to it (families where hugging is a daily ritual vs. families where members never hug).
What we see as normal isn’t so normal for others, and changing habits is sometimes quite difficult. Therefore, we must be patient during the change; positively reinforce the other person’s efforts when they perform the desired action . And if they ignore it or don’t perform it as we wish, explain it to them again (in a different way, through examples, etc.).
The benefits of applying love languages in relationships
Knowing the love languages and having several examples or references for each of them helps us develop a more nuanced understanding of relationships. Beyond this, if we move from theory to practice, it will improve our quality of life, our emotional well-being, and the strength of our emotional bonds with those who are important to us.
These are the main benefits of delving deeper into the love languages and applying them with our loved ones:
- Show that love exists beyond words: demonstrate commitment.
- Avoid physical distancing.
- Adapt to the mood of both parties and don’t give up expressing love even in crises.
- Facilitate the expression of feelings and do not let topics go unspoken.
- Enriching the variety of experiences associated with a relationship: it generates well-being.
We can all connect emotionally with others
Finally, it’s important to emphasize that every healthy person has the capacity to express love languages , and to a greater or lesser extent, we express all or almost all of them. Elsa Punset (2010) argues in her book that: “If we accustom our children to giving and receiving love in all languages, one day they will be able to communicate freely in all of them.”